January 14, 2010

Why Social Networking is Vital to Our Survival

I’ve been offline for a week to focus on my book, but mostly because I needed a break. During this time I have contracted some deadly disease that has knocked me on my butt and kept me in bed for days. My dog won’t come near me, and poor Peter has had to run out and buy me stuff. Is there nothing more attractive than a man who steps up? I almost asked him to marry me a couple of times, but realized I should wait until I look and smell less like a swamp creature. Plus he’s been avoiding eye contact and it’s tough to ask someone to marry you if they won’t look at you.

This past week as I lay on my deathbed coughing and aching in excruciating pain (my brain actually hurts from coughing), I’ve realized how important social networking is for me – for all of us, really. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s not a coincidence that I suddenly became deathly ill the moment I stepped away from my various websites and went off the grid. Incredible insights came to me, like how little I care about anything or anyone when I’m not connected to the internet. It’s apparent that without social networking I would die alone.

I made a list of why I think social networking is so important for our survival:

1. Keeps us physically healthy (this could be a coincidence, but I’m not taking anymore risks)
2. Teaches us to be altruistic by simply clicking a button to join a cause (great for self-worth)
3. We get invited to events we’ll never attend (it boosts our self-confidence to be included)
4. Endless supplies of potentially humorous videos or articles (laughter is the best medicine)
5. Stretches our creativity to come up with witty one-liners (challenges others to be more interesting)
6. Increases awareness about how much worse things could be (gratitude is good for the soul)
7. Continual updates on kids’ pooping and vomiting patterns (helps to deter population growth)
8. Alerts us when our friends are isolating and encourages us to reach out (brings us together)
9. Reminds us to wish Happy Birthday to people we hardly know (recognition boosts our confidence)

I’m still extremely sick and the medication is taking up a lot of my energy, but I’m sure there are hundreds of other reasons why social networking is vital to our survival. My final wish is that my near death experience has enlightened some of you as to how lucky we are to have these amazing technologies.

p.s. Peter edited this for me which is why there aren’t any curse words, and I apologize for that.

(editor’s note: the p.s. is bullshit!)



Keep writing. It saves lives. 

January 5, 2010

What would John Steinbeck do?

John Steinbeck is one of America’s most well known authors – he wrote books that were required reading in most schools, and he won a Nobel Prize for Literature (this was back when they weren’t just giving those things away like candy). I was amazed to find out that Johnny struggled with his writing and questioned himself often. In fact, he wrote a book of letters about how much he didn’t want to write the book he was working on, and he believed it to be crap. Oh, the book? East of Eden. So not only did he write an incredible novel, but he also profited from his journal of procrastination. Super genius.

If Steinbeck could get away with finding distractions and still be successful, I thought taking time away from my novel would be okay… I wrote a blog and read it to Peter, and he says, “that sounds like you”. Clueless, I ask, “what the hell is that supposed to mean?” He says something about how my writing is always centered on me. Really? When’s the last time you wrote a blog? Oh, that one last year about the half-monkey people who were shackled and walking into a death camp – because that’s what people want to read… (I didn’t say that last part out loud). I shake my head and smugly say, “well, yeah, I’m a narcissist.” Then he wrinkles up his forehead and comes back with, “you’re not a narcissist; you’re more like a solipsist”. I bite my tongue and nod because I can’t remember what that word means, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a compliment.

Solipsism:
1. Philosophy. The theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2. Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

What?

Exactly.

This is what my darling boyfriend thinks of me.

To prove him wrong, I’m not going to write about me (in this particular piece).

There are so many subjects to touch on… like thanks to Taco Bell there’s finally a diet Kristie Alley can get behind. Or maybe I should do an in depth whore-analysis about how I believe Tila Tequila had something to do with Casey Johnson’s death, the same way Courtney Love had Curt killed. I keep running ideas by my dog, Quincy, and he just looks at me, rolls his eyes and yawns, stinking up the room with his horrible breath. I could write about dog companionship. People like dogs. Oh, I know, I can work on a piece about my pathetic friend who sits around in her apartment with the curtains drawn, watching re-runs of “Charmed”, fantasizing that she is a long-lost Halliwell sister with the magical power of invisibility.

Perhaps procrastination was a novel idea for John Steinbeck, but I don’t think I can pull this off. I’m going to stop now and work on my next chapter. Unless… you folks have any suggestions on topics, other than myself, I can write about?